A devoted fan of Jerome K. Jerome, Lady Martine lives in the tranquil countryside of New Mexico, and spends her time, well, idly. This blog is in fact the only fruit of her labors.
Of course we’ve all daydreamed about having a time machine. Where would we go? How would we come back? Will this time machine ever be invented?
Well, I’m here to tell you that time travel is indeed possible. If you use my special method, you won’t get trapped in time, you will not upset the time-space continuum, and you do not have to invest in expensive equipment. I have a way for you to travel back to the past, to your favorite time period, risk-free.
It starts with grabbing a history book about your favorite century or period of history. The gay 90’s? The roaring 20s? Ancient Rome? Mesopotamia? My favorite is medieval times, and I’ve read dozens of history books about the middle ages. Armed with the knowledge of what things were like back then, I’m able to do time travel from my the comfort of hammock.
Yes, all you need to do, once you have the knowledge in your brain about this period in history, you can go there. Find a place where you can be, well, idle. A hammock, the couch, a grassy mead. Now close your eyes, and you’re there.
Do you have a green thumb, where every plant, succulent, cactus, bush and tree — deciduous or not — thrives at the mere sight of you? Or do you kill every plant that you have ever come in contact with, including that “guaranteed to grow ” plant you bought at the supermarket last month?
Well I’m here to tell you there is no such thing as a green thumb, or black thumb for that matter. I have known people with an apparent gift with all plants, who secretly have an entire outdoor shed dedicated to those plastic nursery pots — empty pots that once held a healthy plant and that were subsequently killed by said “Green Thumb Gary”.
I have also known people despair with their bad gardening luck, only to find that eventually they do find something they can grow successfully. So, Black Thumb Betty, there is hope for you. Just find your sweet spot, a plant that you understand, and that understands you. Branch out of typical roses and tomatoes and dahlias. Experiment with succulents, exotic banana trees, terrariums and water gardens. You will find it, if you keep trying. And remember, nurseries take back your empty plant pots, evidence of your plant failures, so you need not be visually reminded of your mistakes.
Some ladies, who want to pretend they’re living the Frenchy life, who want to pretend they may go to farmer’s market at a moment’s notice, tend to carry around a fancy market basket. I should know, as I am among these ladies of the market basket. It’s truly convenient to have one on hand. Maybe you’re going on errands and need to throw your leopard Chanel blazer in to bring to the dry cleaners. Maybe you’re saving money by not subscribing to Netflix, necessitating regular visits to the public library to get the next season on Father Brown or The Mentalist. This means you need a ready container for your books and movies. Maybe you need a large bottle of water and an iced coffee; oh, and an apple. So you leave the house with your trusted basket, which is brimming over with sundry errand items.
Once on your “périple”, you reach inside to grab last week’s library entertainment then use the gained space to put in your repaired shoes from the cobbler. So as a whole, as a market basket carrier, your life is organized, fashionable and easy. But there sometimes comes a problem with the basket. The problem can be named, and that name is Your Family. Yes, your family that sees your basket (the pink and orange market basket that you purchased at a French farmer’s market) as the Family Basket. A place to drop in wallets, keys, sweatshirts and even trash. So the basket no longer represents your easygoing and productive lifestyle of accomplished errands, repaired boots and fresh berries from the supermarket, but the family’s collection of various items. Gum and shoe laces. Ketchup packets and receipts. So, overall, I caution you to leaving your farmers market basket unattended when your family members are around, or one day you may come home and find a dachshund puppy in it.
So this morning you overslept; you had to jump out of bed, find an outfit (the one you wore yesterday is on the floor, so give it a good shake and don those threads) and quickly clean the house before the cleaning ladies arrive at 7:30. You brushed your teeth, your shoes match, and generally most parts of your body that need to be hidden by clothes are indeed hidden. But now after meetings, driving children to school and more meetings, you look a little, perhaps — I’m sorry to say this, but the truth is always the best answer— frazzled. Your hair is a bit frizzy on the left side. No makeup. No earrings. Dirt under your right index finger from when you needed to get some herbs from the garden for dinner last night.
Your shoes match, and your breath is fresh, but you look awful. Not put together one bit. Tonight is a weeknight, but you do have that Event you have to go to at 6:30. It’s not a gala. It’s not a dinner with your husband. It’s not girls’ night out at the movies. It’s just a school/work/social thing you are going to. How can you possibly start fixing your appearance, at 5:45, in the car. There’s no time to go home and start the process over again; shower, blowout, makeup, carefully chosen blouse, jewelry, and those cute wedge sandals. You are wearing what you are wearing.
What if, ladies, in the car, you had just what you needed to improve your look by 100%? Well, I have that solution for you. It’s the Lady Martine Femme Fatale Kit. It could easily fit in your glovebox or even in your handbag. Here is how to make it. Take a silk scarf, approximately 20 inches by 20 inches, and lay it on your dining room table. In it, place one lipstick (one that you feel comfortable wearing, but still has a little bit of an edge to it. Remember; you’re a femme fatale, not a respectable housewife.), one small perfume atomizer, and a pair of large earrings. Fold it over on itself so it is contained in one pocket. Keep this on you at all times, for when you need a quick makeover. If ever you look in the car mirror before going to your evening event, and see Ms. Frumpiness staring back at you, whip out your Lady MartineFemme Fatale Kit, apply lipstick, put on earrings, then roll the scarf into a snake and tie it around your neck, with the knot on the side, just like the TWA Stewardesses in the 1970s. Add a smile, and you’re ready to rock and roll
